I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
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