just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
