Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
