I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
