but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
