fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
