finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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