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We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
