i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
