Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Boobs speak an international language.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
