Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Randomize
