Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
