I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
