she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!