I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
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He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
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Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK