Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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