last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
