As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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