i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
