I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
