How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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