Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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