I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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