hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
