I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
