I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
