it hurts more in the daytime
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
