WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
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