My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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