he shaved USA in his pubs
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
