my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Randomize
