I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Randomize
