Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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