i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
