Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
