Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
