An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
