She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
