I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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