well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
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Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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