then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
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I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
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Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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