babies were throwing up all over the place
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Randomize
