I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
