If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
