3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
