I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
