Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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