Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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