How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
