Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
