she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
false alarm, still single
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