My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
