dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
