thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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