Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
