The maid of honor just puked.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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