I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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