I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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